Letting go

I think I’ve finally let First Love go. This last week he was talking to me and suddenly out of nowhere stated that because I didn’t like ‘Family Guy’ and Will Farrel we would never had worked out. He was trying to make a joke but that joke will never be alright with me and even if it will it was way too soon. I got so aggravated with him that I just stood up and left without a word. It was either that or I just lunge at him with a backhand then calmly sit back down.

But whatever, he is a jackass and I’ve always said that. Even when I was in love I told him that he was a jackass, but it was only when he was having a jackass moment.

As I was talking to a friend today, via text but still a meaningful conversation, and I told him that First Love left because he has low self esteem and is now dating someone who is more his equal. And as I’ve said since the moment it happened, it’s all him, none of it was me.

Actually saying those words and believing them, I realize that all those times when he told me that he wasn’t good enough for me, drunk or sober, he was right. In every way he was perfect for me except for the self esteem level and drive/determination/strength. He probably did me a favor, because even though I still can’t see it, he probably would have brought me down sooner or later with the lack of self esteem from him.

It also occurred to me that he is using his new little girl thing; he sees her as someone who has the same level of self esteem, drive, determination, strength as himself and she is just the poor schmuck that happens to satisfy those needs. He needs to feel good about himself and so he is dating her because he feels better when he’s with her.

I know that I seem to keep going on and on about this past relationship but remember, just as I have to keep reminding myself, that it has only been a month and I was in love, as well as it being so sudden. But I’m getting better and I’m ready to start dating again but just need a person to date.

Until then,

‘Maybe some women aren’t meant to be tamed. Maybe they’re supposed to run wild until they find someone, just as wild, to run with.’ *Carrie Bradshaw*

Growing up

I am just a poor college student and so I bike everywhere, plus it’s good for my waistline. Seriously though, I’ve started to drop a few micrometers from around my middle. Anyways as I was biking home today from a friends house I took a new route that led through some back roads(ish) and saw so many cute houses!

I want one! I don’t care if I don’t get to own it, because I don’t need to own a house right now, but I will be moving in a few months and I want to live in a house. A house that I will be staying at for a long period of time, more than a year. I want a place that I can decorate and make homey and call ‘home’, because home isn’t just a roof with four walls and a foundation, that’s a house, ‘home’ is all that plus the emotional attachments that are there too.

I think I’m beginning to grow up….*gasps*

Ironic

It was the awkward way that she talked about her one night stand. It was the noticeable averting of her eyes. It was how she didn’t elaborate about her weekend stories. And it was so much more.

We aren’t friends anymore and both of us know it, but neither of us publicly announce it. We are both just going to on pretending that it isn’t true. I’d like to believe that she misses me, but I don’t have enough confidence to do it.

Lonely Girl went away for a weekend trip to the lake with some mutual friends, friends that she wouldn’t have known if she didn’t know me, and met someone there. She went out to the clubs last night and apparently the someone she met is here in [insert college town name here] and met her at the clubs. Well, they hooked up last night and she seemed less enthusiastic about it than a normal red-blooded woman who just got some good cock would. And we used to be best friends so, I know what her uncomfortable-not-wanting-to-talk-about-it sounds/looks like. She was like that when she got together with her last one time fuck buddy. They had been pussy footing around the fact that they both wanted to do each other. So when they actually did hook up and she had the attitude of ‘Yeah, we did it’, I knew it wasn’t because the sex was bad, or maybe it was, like I said she didn’t elaborate.

Some background would probably help here; 6 months ago Lonely Girl accused me of using people for sex. I am going to try to make this sound unbiased or defensive or like she was totally in the wrong; but I have only had 2 partners and with both of them I waited to have sex for at least 4 months and we were in a monogamous, official relationship. I have never had a one night stand, and I am in love with the second of my two partners. I know that I said I was going to be as unbiased as possible and I am trying, but what I write next might not come across as that way. Lonely Girl has had at least 8 and maybe 10 partners in the last year and a half and has not been in a relationship with any of them. She has in fact never been in a relationship. And three days after accusing me of using people for sex she fucked the second previously mentioned one night fuck buddy.

I wonder how it feels to have empty, meaningless, multiple one night stands. I feel sorry for her because she is over 21 and doesn’t know anything about men. I once asked a very good friend of mine, who I tried to set her up with, what it was about her that he found unattractive. Because she is cute, and a very fun girl. And I always had a blast with her, but she just repulses men when it comes to actually dating them. They of course want to fuck her brains out because, they are men and she offers them one time sex with no strings attached. He said that it was ineffable, something that couldn’t be described. It was the awkward moments where there would be that silence, the ones that you don’t know how to fill properly. The ones where most people go ‘So, how ’bout those Yankees?’ type comments. Not that I am a Yankee fan. He said that it was they way that she handled those silences, it was they way that she approached conversations, it was the way that she just plain interacted with him. He said that it was everything. And since I have tried to set her up with at least 10 different guys and albeit a good 3 of those guys did turn out to be complete fuckwits and douchebags that leaves 7 guys that were genuine, nice, date worthy people. To digress: the same night that she hooked up with the second stated guy, Guy A, there was another man that I tried yet again to set her up with and she said that with Guy A she could get screwed. So instead of choosing to go talk to and get to know a date worthy guy, she decided to have sex instead. Again 3 days after telling me that I used people for sex. Back on the right train of thought, what did those 7 guys have in common? Guess. That is correct: her. It isn’t them, it’s her. There is something about her that men aren’t attracted to. And as long and as many times as I have discussed it with my good friend, I still am totally mystified about what it is that men don’t find attractive about her personality.

Deep down, whether she is willing to admit it or doesn’t even know it herself, a part of her knows that she is a big, fat hypocrite for accusing me of what she does herself. And if I felt pity, I would give it to her.

Whisper