The Story, The Heartbreak

I have the previous post here too, I was sending the whole thing in an email and am now to lazy to go back and cut and paste the bits and pieces I have already posted.

He came over last Monday and we just sat there, uncomfortably staring at each other. Both of us tried to speak first by taking deep breaths several times; finally I grew a pair and blurted out that even though I had crap going on in my life I shouldn’t have let it affect how I act or treat him. He nodded and then silence. On both parts, neither of us was sitting there in comfort and then one more deep breath from him and I knew. It wasn’t going to be good, I wasn’t ready for this.

He told me that he thought our lives weren’t going along the same paths anymore. He said that this thought occurred to him weeks ago and he didn’t want it there in the back of his mind bugging him. He said that he thought we weren’t soul mates and that I wasn’t ‘the one.’ When this whole time everything he has ever said to me has led me to believe that is exactly what he thought. He’d always told me that I was his ideal woman, I was the most beautiful, sexy woman he ever knew, that I would have to be the one to end things, that he would never break up with me. And that he never thought he could love some this much, that he felt at home when he was with me.

The way that First Love described it was that he just woke up one day and didn’t love me any more. He said that I was still the person he cares about the most in the world and that my happiness and success is the most important thing to him. My questions were if you care about someone the most in the world how could you hurt them so badly? How could you go from loving someone with all your heart one day and the next just completely stop? The only way that I could possibly imagine someone being able to do that is if they cheated on you or physically abused you.

I don’t understand any of it.

All I know is that I was so sure of everything before and now I question everything. When he told me that he loved me all those times and then that night said that he hadn’t felt that way for over two weeks, I didn’t know what love was anymore and now when I say ‘I love you’ to my mom, or my best friend, or any person that I feel that connection to there is always a nagging thought tugging at my mind. Is that really true? Do I even know what love is? Am I speaking true? I can’t help these feelings of doubt.

4 days later I didn’t love him anymore. I don’t want him back. It just means that there has to be someone better out there. It’s just a matter of picking up the pieces of a shattered heart and sewing it back together firmly enough so that the scars don’t show. And I can’t speed that up. I just don’t know how long it will take and aren’t sure I have the patience for it to happen. I just want to be happy again. The kind of happy I was with him, just being that happy without him.

Then last night he asked me if I still loved him because he didn’t want things to be uncomfortable. I told him no because it’s true. Then he told me that he was seeing someone. Girl A, the girl that he was trying to date when he met me and the girl that went on the trip with him on the mission trip. And I know that he went on a date with her two days after we broke up. It didn’t hurt that he truly doesn’t love me anymore, but that he just moved right along and there is no one that wants me enough to help me do that. I know that it is petty and small but I wanted to be the first to move on and find someone new. The ex-girlfriend in me wants him to fall for her madly, or anyone, and then get squashed. Like I said, I know that it is petty and small but that’s the way I feel. In a way I see him as going on first because it finally gave me the push I needed so that I can be mad at him. It’s one of the stages of grief and I need to experience it.

Andy always told me that I was his ideal woman and the best thing that has ever happened to him. But none of that matters when he resents me. Resents, you say? Yes, resent. How can someone that loved you so much resent you? Because I have everything that he wants and needs. I have strength, determination, drive, heart, and whatever ingredient it is that allows you to ‘make it.’ I’ve put up with so much crap from OSU and I’ve had to repeat a few courses but I’m still here doing what I want. He was there at one point, he went to the big college, majored in something amazing, but he didn’t have what it takes; he gave up. And I didn’t. Andy resents me for that. He would sometimes get drunk on nights when I had class the next day and I couldn’t drink, and he would tell me that he wasn’t good enough for me. All I ever told him was that I didn’t care; I loved him for him.

When I heard that he was dating Girl A all I could think was that First Love had manipulated me, that he was just using me to pass the time until something better came along. But I can’t allow myself to do that, because if I do then I’ll be ruined for life and never allow anyone to get close to me again. I won’t let myself fall in love again, when really that is all I want to do. I just want to be in love again.

I can’t be sure but I think that First Love started to have feelings for Girl A again because she is someone that he always wanted to date but couldn’t because he was with her best friend, Girl B, at the time and when he finally did get the chance Girl A said it was weird. And then she went on the trip with him and I think that is when the feelings surfaced again because she doesn’t make him feel bad about himself, which I apparently do simply by being myself. And that he wants the chance to date her, just like I wanted the chance to date him. And that it was a mixture of him resenting me and him still being curious about Katie. But I have to believe that I am not sloppy seconds, for anyone.

I get these feelings and thoughts that I’m unlovable and that I can be so easily forgotten. I can’t help it! It’s not healthy and I don’t want to think that, but I can’t stop them from coming into my mind.

Am I unlovable? Am I so easily forgotten? I know that I have very little experience in love but as far as I know you can’t just love a person one night and then wake up 8 hours later and completely not love them at all anymore.

I don’t know if all of this is clear because I have been writing my thoughts down on my phone notepad and they are just bits and pieces.

So that’s the whole story and heartbreak.

Whisper