The first cut is the deepest

What is love? I thought that it was what I felt whenever I looked, touched, thought, kissed, hugged, anything First Love or when he did any of those things towards me. But now…now when I talk to my parents on the phone after they call to check on me, or talk to my friends and we say goodbye to each other, when they tell me ‘I love you’ I’m not sure what I mean when I say it back. I know that I love/d First Love but I’ve gone so numb and in such a state of denial that I’m not feeling any emotion.

Here’s what happened:

He got back from his 10 day long trip and called me to come and pick him up from the airport, I was going to wait downstairs in the car while he got his luggage and come out to meet me. When he showed up he came around to the driver’s side door and began to pull on my arm I thought that he wanted to drive after being in the air so long, and so I told him ‘no, you aren’t driving my car’ yet he continued to pull on my arm. Turns out that he just wanted a hug, but it wasn’t the normal hug that I get from him, it felt something. Not right? I don’t know. But that doesn’t matter, I don’t know what is wrong with me but I didn’t even act excited to see him; and that is just so not true! I got so sad when he left and I really, really missed him. I miss him now more than I did while he was gone. Back to the horror story: I didn’t act very excited to see him, leading him to believe that I didn’t even miss him, farthest thought from the truth.

He came over yesterday and we just sat there, uncomfortably staring at each other. Both of us tried to speak first by taking deep breaths several times; finally I grew a pair and blurted out that even though I had crap going on in my life I shouldn’t have let it affect how I act or treat him. He nodded and then silence. On both parts, neither of us was sitting there in comfort and then one more deep breath from him and I knew. It wasn’t going to be good, I wasn’t ready for this.

He told me that he thought our lives weren’t going along the same paths anymore. He said that this thought occurred to him weeks ago and he didn’t want it there in the back of his mind bugging him. He said that he thought we weren’t soul mates and that I wasn’t ‘the one.’ When this whole time everything he has ever said to me has led me to believe that is exactly what he thought. He’d always told me that I was his ideal woman, I was the most beautiful, sexy woman he ever knew, that I would have to be the one to end things, that he would never break up with me. And that he never thought he could love some this much, that he felt at home when he was with me.

The way that First Love described it was that he just woke up one day and didn’t love me any more. He said that I was still the person he cares about the most in the world and that my happiness and success is the most important thing to him. My questions were if you care about someone the most in the world how could you hurt them so badly? How could you go from loving someone with all your heart one day and the next just completely stop? The only way that I could possibly imagine someone being able to do that is if they cheated on you or physically abused you.

I don’t understand any of it.

All I know is that I was so sure of everything before and now I question everything. When he told me that he loved me all those times and then that night said that he hadn’t felt that way for over two weeks, I didn’t know what love was anymore and now when I say ‘I love you’ to my mom, or my best friend, or any person that I feel that connection to there is always a nagging thought tugging at my mind. Is that really true? Do I even know what love is? Am I speaking true? I can’t help these feelings of doubt.

To be continued….

XOXO,

Whisper