Five Fact Friday

1. I hate beer. One beer will actually make me throw up.
2. I love galcohol, it is yummy and delicious.
3. I really love tequila shots, best way to consume alcohol
4. Body shots with your friends make any alcohol way better.
5. I’m underage and actually never touch any alcohol. Ever. I swear.

Five Fact Friday Update

I realize that I haven’t posted any F.F.F. in about a month and since there still isn’t anything particularly interesting going on in my life I will just post all the missing F.F.F.s. One on each day until it is all made up, starting tomorrow.

I know, but what are you going to do?

XOXO,

Whisper

Letting go

I think I’ve finally let First Love go. This last week he was talking to me and suddenly out of nowhere stated that because I didn’t like ‘Family Guy’ and Will Farrel we would never had worked out. He was trying to make a joke but that joke will never be alright with me and even if it will it was way too soon. I got so aggravated with him that I just stood up and left without a word. It was either that or I just lunge at him with a backhand then calmly sit back down.

But whatever, he is a jackass and I’ve always said that. Even when I was in love I told him that he was a jackass, but it was only when he was having a jackass moment.

As I was talking to a friend today, via text but still a meaningful conversation, and I told him that First Love left because he has low self esteem and is now dating someone who is more his equal. And as I’ve said since the moment it happened, it’s all him, none of it was me.

Actually saying those words and believing them, I realize that all those times when he told me that he wasn’t good enough for me, drunk or sober, he was right. In every way he was perfect for me except for the self esteem level and drive/determination/strength. He probably did me a favor, because even though I still can’t see it, he probably would have brought me down sooner or later with the lack of self esteem from him.

It also occurred to me that he is using his new little girl thing; he sees her as someone who has the same level of self esteem, drive, determination, strength as himself and she is just the poor schmuck that happens to satisfy those needs. He needs to feel good about himself and so he is dating her because he feels better when he’s with her.

I know that I seem to keep going on and on about this past relationship but remember, just as I have to keep reminding myself, that it has only been a month and I was in love, as well as it being so sudden. But I’m getting better and I’m ready to start dating again but just need a person to date.

Until then,

‘Maybe some women aren’t meant to be tamed. Maybe they’re supposed to run wild until they find someone, just as wild, to run with.’ *Carrie Bradshaw*

Growing up

I am just a poor college student and so I bike everywhere, plus it’s good for my waistline. Seriously though, I’ve started to drop a few micrometers from around my middle. Anyways as I was biking home today from a friends house I took a new route that led through some back roads(ish) and saw so many cute houses!

I want one! I don’t care if I don’t get to own it, because I don’t need to own a house right now, but I will be moving in a few months and I want to live in a house. A house that I will be staying at for a long period of time, more than a year. I want a place that I can decorate and make homey and call ‘home’, because home isn’t just a roof with four walls and a foundation, that’s a house, ‘home’ is all that plus the emotional attachments that are there too.

I think I’m beginning to grow up….*gasps*

Recently

There has been nothing interesting going on in my life and I am so busy with classes, work, and my tan that I haven’t had a chance to get a good thought for a story/fantasy to emerge. But I’m still here, just inactive; both writing-wise and sexually.

XOXO,

Whisper

My own crystal ball

So, my mom and I had a conversation today about how all men are stupid, which is true, and then she told me that she had a dream about me and a guy. And considering that her dreams normally come true, I’m just a little excited. She said that he was taller than me and had very dark brown hair; well built and a nicely trimmed beard. Then she said that we saw each other and I was wearing my flamenco dancer skirt and black racer back top, he was in a mud bath type thing and I just jumped right in. Then we went swimming and we were laughing and smiling.

While she may be correct that I meet someone in the near future, it doesn’t necessarily have to mean that I ruin one of my favorite skirts, does it?

XOXO,

Whisper

Bitches please!

So, I’m going through a pretty tough breakup and my old boyfriend has already moved on; in fact he went on a date two days after we broke up. What the fuck is up with that? You break up with someone that you told uncountable times that you love and then go on a date two days after you end the relationship?

Whatever, that’s not even what this post is about. It’s about me. Well, this whole blog is about me, really, but nevermind that.

I know that I am a strong, sexy, confident, beautiful, great catch of a woman. But the ex-girlfriend inside me has wavering faith. So this post is going to verbally bitch-slap her into common sense.

I know, she knows, everyone who meets me knows, that I am drop-dead gorgeous. This is simply fact, not me fluffing my own skirt. This point was proven today when I put on a black racer-back V-neck top and a red-dyed skirt from Mexico that makes me look like a flamenco dancer when I pair it with my sexy black 3″ heels. Which also puts me at the grand height of 6′3″. Oh, yeah; believe it. Back to me wearing this outfit to my indoor lab job, I was listen to techno-club-dance music which always makes me want to dance, thus the flamenco dancer outfit.

Well, as I was walking to work, (p.s. heels make me strut more than I normally do) there was about 7 guys across the street doing repairs on a house and when I came out of my house they all just stopped what they were doing. So I strutted more. Yeah bitches! Watch me walk away! You know you like it! Don’t you wish you could tap that?!

As shallow as it may be, it made me feel good. And with that stupid ex-girlfriend nagging my ass all day long I need to feel good about myself.

XOXO,

Whisper

The Story, The Heartbreak

I have the previous post here too, I was sending the whole thing in an email and am now to lazy to go back and cut and paste the bits and pieces I have already posted.

He came over last Monday and we just sat there, uncomfortably staring at each other. Both of us tried to speak first by taking deep breaths several times; finally I grew a pair and blurted out that even though I had crap going on in my life I shouldn’t have let it affect how I act or treat him. He nodded and then silence. On both parts, neither of us was sitting there in comfort and then one more deep breath from him and I knew. It wasn’t going to be good, I wasn’t ready for this.

He told me that he thought our lives weren’t going along the same paths anymore. He said that this thought occurred to him weeks ago and he didn’t want it there in the back of his mind bugging him. He said that he thought we weren’t soul mates and that I wasn’t ‘the one.’ When this whole time everything he has ever said to me has led me to believe that is exactly what he thought. He’d always told me that I was his ideal woman, I was the most beautiful, sexy woman he ever knew, that I would have to be the one to end things, that he would never break up with me. And that he never thought he could love some this much, that he felt at home when he was with me.

The way that First Love described it was that he just woke up one day and didn’t love me any more. He said that I was still the person he cares about the most in the world and that my happiness and success is the most important thing to him. My questions were if you care about someone the most in the world how could you hurt them so badly? How could you go from loving someone with all your heart one day and the next just completely stop? The only way that I could possibly imagine someone being able to do that is if they cheated on you or physically abused you.

I don’t understand any of it.

All I know is that I was so sure of everything before and now I question everything. When he told me that he loved me all those times and then that night said that he hadn’t felt that way for over two weeks, I didn’t know what love was anymore and now when I say ‘I love you’ to my mom, or my best friend, or any person that I feel that connection to there is always a nagging thought tugging at my mind. Is that really true? Do I even know what love is? Am I speaking true? I can’t help these feelings of doubt.

4 days later I didn’t love him anymore. I don’t want him back. It just means that there has to be someone better out there. It’s just a matter of picking up the pieces of a shattered heart and sewing it back together firmly enough so that the scars don’t show. And I can’t speed that up. I just don’t know how long it will take and aren’t sure I have the patience for it to happen. I just want to be happy again. The kind of happy I was with him, just being that happy without him.

Then last night he asked me if I still loved him because he didn’t want things to be uncomfortable. I told him no because it’s true. Then he told me that he was seeing someone. Girl A, the girl that he was trying to date when he met me and the girl that went on the trip with him on the mission trip. And I know that he went on a date with her two days after we broke up. It didn’t hurt that he truly doesn’t love me anymore, but that he just moved right along and there is no one that wants me enough to help me do that. I know that it is petty and small but I wanted to be the first to move on and find someone new. The ex-girlfriend in me wants him to fall for her madly, or anyone, and then get squashed. Like I said, I know that it is petty and small but that’s the way I feel. In a way I see him as going on first because it finally gave me the push I needed so that I can be mad at him. It’s one of the stages of grief and I need to experience it.

Andy always told me that I was his ideal woman and the best thing that has ever happened to him. But none of that matters when he resents me. Resents, you say? Yes, resent. How can someone that loved you so much resent you? Because I have everything that he wants and needs. I have strength, determination, drive, heart, and whatever ingredient it is that allows you to ‘make it.’ I’ve put up with so much crap from OSU and I’ve had to repeat a few courses but I’m still here doing what I want. He was there at one point, he went to the big college, majored in something amazing, but he didn’t have what it takes; he gave up. And I didn’t. Andy resents me for that. He would sometimes get drunk on nights when I had class the next day and I couldn’t drink, and he would tell me that he wasn’t good enough for me. All I ever told him was that I didn’t care; I loved him for him.

When I heard that he was dating Girl A all I could think was that First Love had manipulated me, that he was just using me to pass the time until something better came along. But I can’t allow myself to do that, because if I do then I’ll be ruined for life and never allow anyone to get close to me again. I won’t let myself fall in love again, when really that is all I want to do. I just want to be in love again.

I can’t be sure but I think that First Love started to have feelings for Girl A again because she is someone that he always wanted to date but couldn’t because he was with her best friend, Girl B, at the time and when he finally did get the chance Girl A said it was weird. And then she went on the trip with him and I think that is when the feelings surfaced again because she doesn’t make him feel bad about himself, which I apparently do simply by being myself. And that he wants the chance to date her, just like I wanted the chance to date him. And that it was a mixture of him resenting me and him still being curious about Katie. But I have to believe that I am not sloppy seconds, for anyone.

I get these feelings and thoughts that I’m unlovable and that I can be so easily forgotten. I can’t help it! It’s not healthy and I don’t want to think that, but I can’t stop them from coming into my mind.

Am I unlovable? Am I so easily forgotten? I know that I have very little experience in love but as far as I know you can’t just love a person one night and then wake up 8 hours later and completely not love them at all anymore.

I don’t know if all of this is clear because I have been writing my thoughts down on my phone notepad and they are just bits and pieces.

So that’s the whole story and heartbreak.

Whisper

The first cut is the deepest

What is love? I thought that it was what I felt whenever I looked, touched, thought, kissed, hugged, anything First Love or when he did any of those things towards me. But now…now when I talk to my parents on the phone after they call to check on me, or talk to my friends and we say goodbye to each other, when they tell me ‘I love you’ I’m not sure what I mean when I say it back. I know that I love/d First Love but I’ve gone so numb and in such a state of denial that I’m not feeling any emotion.

Here’s what happened:

He got back from his 10 day long trip and called me to come and pick him up from the airport, I was going to wait downstairs in the car while he got his luggage and come out to meet me. When he showed up he came around to the driver’s side door and began to pull on my arm I thought that he wanted to drive after being in the air so long, and so I told him ‘no, you aren’t driving my car’ yet he continued to pull on my arm. Turns out that he just wanted a hug, but it wasn’t the normal hug that I get from him, it felt something. Not right? I don’t know. But that doesn’t matter, I don’t know what is wrong with me but I didn’t even act excited to see him; and that is just so not true! I got so sad when he left and I really, really missed him. I miss him now more than I did while he was gone. Back to the horror story: I didn’t act very excited to see him, leading him to believe that I didn’t even miss him, farthest thought from the truth.

He came over yesterday and we just sat there, uncomfortably staring at each other. Both of us tried to speak first by taking deep breaths several times; finally I grew a pair and blurted out that even though I had crap going on in my life I shouldn’t have let it affect how I act or treat him. He nodded and then silence. On both parts, neither of us was sitting there in comfort and then one more deep breath from him and I knew. It wasn’t going to be good, I wasn’t ready for this.

He told me that he thought our lives weren’t going along the same paths anymore. He said that this thought occurred to him weeks ago and he didn’t want it there in the back of his mind bugging him. He said that he thought we weren’t soul mates and that I wasn’t ‘the one.’ When this whole time everything he has ever said to me has led me to believe that is exactly what he thought. He’d always told me that I was his ideal woman, I was the most beautiful, sexy woman he ever knew, that I would have to be the one to end things, that he would never break up with me. And that he never thought he could love some this much, that he felt at home when he was with me.

The way that First Love described it was that he just woke up one day and didn’t love me any more. He said that I was still the person he cares about the most in the world and that my happiness and success is the most important thing to him. My questions were if you care about someone the most in the world how could you hurt them so badly? How could you go from loving someone with all your heart one day and the next just completely stop? The only way that I could possibly imagine someone being able to do that is if they cheated on you or physically abused you.

I don’t understand any of it.

All I know is that I was so sure of everything before and now I question everything. When he told me that he loved me all those times and then that night said that he hadn’t felt that way for over two weeks, I didn’t know what love was anymore and now when I say ‘I love you’ to my mom, or my best friend, or any person that I feel that connection to there is always a nagging thought tugging at my mind. Is that really true? Do I even know what love is? Am I speaking true? I can’t help these feelings of doubt.

To be continued….

XOXO,

Whisper

Happy Birthday!

To me!!! Yay! 20 years and I am still clueless!

XOXO,

Whisper